The search for meaning

You say tomato, I say tomahto. It doesn’t matter how you pronounce it; in the garden of Internet dating, the fruits are almost all rotten and seedy. Let’s call the whole thing off!

Here’s our Western gardening guide to what self-descriptions on Internet dating sites really mean.

If He Says He’s.../ He Means:

Sensitive: Medicated

Short-haired: Completely bald

Cuddly: Fat

Height-weight proportionate: Grossly obese

Good-looking: Has a face even a mother might not love

Very good-looking: Would not glance at him twice on the street

Distinguished-looking: Known to some as Grandpa

Romantic: A bore

Social drinker: Raging alcoholic

Book lover: Porn addict

Intelligent: Would make a real smart monkey

Sensual: Will steal your shoes

Open-minded: Total pervert

Artistic: Will ask to take nude photos

Creative: Unemployed

Musician: Unemployed

Writer: Unemployed

Works in the music industry: Works at Tower

In the movie industry: Works at Blockbuster

Doctor: Took one biology class in junior college

Veterinarian: Has a dog

Lawyer: Went to traffic court once

Athletic: Watches ESPN 24/7; has never missed a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue

Spiritual: Dippy hippie; considers bathing optional

6 feet: 5’10 (apply the Internet Law of Two Inches; however tall he says he is, subtract two inches to get his real height)

Loves cuddling: Makes you beg for it

Looking for long-term relationship: Wants to have sex

Wants to get married: Wants green card

Loves children: Has custody of 12 kids from previous marriage

Single: Considering a divorce

Looking for sweet woman: Looking for doormat

Loves cooking: Too broke to take you out

38 years old: 48 years old (apply the Internet Law of 10 Years; however old he says he is, add 10 years to get real age)

Great sense of humor: Looks like Woody Allen

Last, if he won’t send you his photo: He has only one eye or he’s wanted by the FBI. Beware.

If She Says She’s ... / She Means:

Sensitive: Prone to PMS outbursts

Short-haired: Switch-hitter

Cuddly: Clingy

Average weight: Mama Cass

Attractive: Only during last call

Career-minded: Frigid

Athletic: Anorexic

Canadian: Needs green card

Looking for long-term relationship: Forget it; you’ll never get sex

Loves to cook: Fat

Loves to laugh: Giggles at car wrecks

Has been told she looks like a Hollywood personality: Yeah, Buster Keaton

Writer: Looking for a meal ticket

Loves children: Beware! Biological clock is ringing off the dresser

Loves walking on the beach: With a metal detector

Artistic: Manic-depressive

Successful: But you pay for everything, anyway

Looking for a caring, sensitive man: Won’t do leather

Early 40s: Decade when born, not chronological age

Teacher: Bossy

Loves to ski: Wears pajamas with the feet in them

Looking for a man who sees the inner me: Obese

Is interested in having fun: Easy

Looking for an equal partner: Benches 300 pounds

Wants a man open to new experiences: Like getting ripped off for a movie and meal, then never hearing from her again.

Samantha Bonar can be contacted at [email protected]. Ralph Frammolino can be contacted at [email protected].