California Is in for a Long Summer of Political Free-for-All

Even by California standards, these are strange times. The state has a budget gap bigger than all outdoors, Gov. Gray Davis could be recalled by Halloween, and one of his possible foes won’t decide whether to run until after the release of his summer blockbuster.

Ain’t we got fun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger told Esquire magazine he would love to be governor, and would consider trying to topple Davis “if the state needs me.”

I can’t speak for the state, but as a citizen, a taxpayer, and, most important, a columnist, I’m willing to say I need him. Conan the Republican as a candidate for governor? I’ll tell him anything he wants to hear.

Schwarzenegger says he can’t make a decision on a political career right now because of the exhausting demands of his film career. He’s busy gearing up for the marketing of “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines,” a true story based on the political ascent of Gray Davis.

But a movie star isn’t the only option in the GOP bullpen. The ace right now is a millionaire car alarm manufacturer -- freshman U.S. Rep. Darrell Issa of San Diego County.

This continues a long history in California of wealthy men -- Al Checchi, Dick Riordan, Bill Simon, Michael Huffington -- who suffered under the same delusion: If I’m smart enough to manufacture money by the boatload, I ought to be king.

Issa’s contributions to the world include the Viper, Python and Wasp, all of which are car alarms. I’m not sure, but it’s possible he got the idea for the alarms after being indicted for allegedly stealing a red Maserati as a teenager, a charge that was dismissed.

I could be off slightly on my numbers, but I’d estimate that the last 80 million times a car alarm has gone off in America, an actual theft was in progress maybe twice.

Issa had to figure that if he could make stupid money peddling something that is such a public nuisance, he had a future in politics. So he ran for U.S. Senate, lost, and then won the office he now holds.

“He’s smart, and he knows how to read a balance sheet,” said Issa advisor Ken Khachigian, leaving the obvious unsaid: Reading a balance sheet is not a Gray Davis strength.

Maybe so, but as Davis wobbles around the ring with nothing but skinny legs and perfect hair, the Republicans keep sending in one glass-jawed palooka after another. Why would you suit up Dan Lungren, Bill “Simple” Simon and Darrell “Viper” Issa when the Terminator is shadowboxing in the wings?

As we watch the small miracle of Issa appearing out of nowhere to become a contender for the state’s highest political office, we are reminded that boredom and money are a dangerous combination.

The man built a fortune on a car alarm business, but he got bored. So what did he do? He bought his way into Congress, but he apparently got bored again. So what did he do? He wrote $645,000 worth of checks to the Davis recall campaign.

With that kind of cash, Khachigian says, it’s a good bet that recall supporters will get the needed signatures -- just under 900,000 -- by next month. The election could be as early as October, which means all the things you despise about campaigns will be thrown at you in concentrated form.

You can expect a barrage of TV ads so shrill, wailing car alarms will sound like a symphony. And the ads will be bankrolled by special interests that naturally will line up later to collect their rewards, helping to create budget fiascoes like the one we’re enjoying now.

It’s a lovely mess, for sure. And conventional wisdom tells you this has to be one of the worst moments of Gray Davis’ career.

But don’t buy into it.

Yes, it’s true that Davis must lie awake at night, fretting about being tossed out of office in shame. But on the up side, the predicament plays to his strength and brings him the only joy he knows.

It’s another chance to raise money.

Taxpayers Against the Recall has passed the hat for roughly half a million dollars on Davis’ behalf, including $100,000 from Zenith Insurance Co. And you can trust me when I say Zenith is only interested in good government, not trying to influence the outcome of the workers’ comp crisis.

It’s a free-for-all, friends, and it figures to get even more entertaining, because several Democratic potentials are circling like vultures, wondering whether to challenge Davis on the recall ballot. Stick your hand into the hat and pull out a name:

Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante, Atty. Gen. Bill Lockyer, Treasurer Phil Angelides.

Several people on your street may be candidates, too, before this thing is over, and we could end up with a governor who gets only 10% of the vote. As one scenario has it, U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein may elbow all the scrubs out of the way and try to cut her commute from 3,000 miles to about 75.

I wouldn’t bet on it, except that roughly every 10 minutes, I get an e-mail from Feinstein’s office telling me what she’s been up to since the last e-mail. She’s got something to say about nuclear plants, SUVs, Bob Hope, you name it. If the next e-mail has her coming out against June gloom, we’ll know she’s in the race.

With Feinstein, Issa, the Terminator and umpteen others trying to grab the wheel, Gray might want to invest in a Viper.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve

[email protected].