LAUGH LINES

Legal-Ease: “According to the National Enquirer, Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford are talking about getting a divorce. I think the story might be true because Kathie Lee just offered a Venezuelan kid $1.95 to be her lawyer.” (Conan O’Brien)

An Honest Mistake: “Sen. John McCain has pledged not to indulge in any negative campaigning. I love the negative campaigning. . . . I love it when the candidates call each other liars and cheats, because it’s the only time they are telling the truth.” (Jay Leno)

Freaking Out: “NBC has taken ‘Freaks and Geeks’ off the air. ‘Freaks and Geeks’ is gone. Man, it looks like Steve Forbes is never going to find work now.” (Leno)

Variation on a Theme: “John McCain released a new set of commercials emphasizing his Vietnam service and heroism in captivity. He spent five years in prison before being elected to public office. Most politicians do it the other way around.” (Argus Hamilton)

All Bottled Up: “Barbara Eden criticized ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ for glamorizing drinking. It was insidious. The show persuaded a generation of men that if they open enough bottles, they’ll find a gorgeous blond who will call them ‘Master.’ ” (Hamilton)

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