An Alternative Itinerary for Rose Bowl Week

I was checking out Tuesday’s itinerary for the football teams and fans from Wisconsin and Stanford who have come here for our 2000 Tournament of Roses parade (which should give off a delightful odor) and for our Rose Bowl football game (which I hope doesn’t end up smelling like an expired Wisconsin dairy product).

Century City, 8:30 a.m.--Team coaches meet the press.

USC, 10:30 a.m.--Stanford practice.

Rose Palace, Rosemont Pavilion, Brookside Pavilion and Buena Vista Pavilion--Parade float decoration continues.

Coliseum, 11:30--Wisconsin practice.

Duarte, 2:15 p.m.--Rose Queen Sophia Bush and her court join players and coaches on a visit to City of Hope medical center.

Long Beach, 2:30--Wisconsin’s marching band performs aboard the Queen Mary.

And so on.

A full slate of activities.

Here is a copy of everybody’s schedule for the remainder of Rose Bowl week, although there’s a chance that somebody has sneaked me a fake one:

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Brentwood, today, 10 a.m.--A familiar-looking man, who once played football for USC, is expected to approach Heisman Trophy winner Ron Dayne of the Wisconsin Badgers and ask: “Psst, how much do you want for that trophy?”

Long Beach, 11 a.m.--Stanford’s unpredictable marching band is booked to perform aboard the Queen Mary until approximately 11:30, when it will be asked to leave the ship, due to having performed provocative musical numbers about Queen Mary.

Burbank, 5 p.m.--”Tonight Show” host Jay Leno quizzes pedestrians on Hollywood Boulevard, asking if any can identify the capital city of the state of Wisconsin or the capital city of the state of Stanford.

Holmby Hills, midnight--At his mansion, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner will deliver a lecture to players from Wisconsin about the days when he attended a Big Ten university (Illinois). He was so naive back then that he actually thought a guy could have only one girlfriend at a time.

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Disneyland, Thursday, 9 a.m.--Park officials may pass out photographs of football players from the No. 1 college team in the country, Florida State, just in case they are spotted by eyewitnesses carrying souvenirs from Disneyland shops without paying. “They’ve already cleaned out most of Florida’s stores,” reports a security guard, concerned about valuable Buzz Lightyear and Mister Potato Head merchandise.

Berkeley, noon--University of California students will conduct their first-ever “Go Wisconsin! Crush Stanford by at Least 100 Points and Don’t Be Afraid to Play Dirty” pep rally.

Caltech, 3 p.m.--Scientists will report that they have been observing Big Ten schools, and find that there are actually 11 of them.

Beverly Hills, 7:30--Lawry’s restaurant servers will bolt their doors, at least until Wisconsin’s offensive linemen leave town. “From now on, no more than six prime ribs per player,” the owner vows for next December.

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Westwood, Friday, 4:30 a.m.--UCLA football players will assemble before dawn to load paint cans into vans. Team members will proceed to Rose Bowl stadium for work until sunrise, painting over wheelchair emblems and then leaving vans in best parking spaces overnight.

Newport Beach, 10:45--Stanford band rehearses big half-time tribute to what’s-his-name, that guy who runs Amazon.com.

Santa Monica, noon to 4 p.m.--Some of Wisconsin’s athletes study to take their final exams, unlike some of Minnesota’s athletes.

Mann’s Chinese Theater, Hollywood, 8:15--Stanford’s players gather to watch film footage of Cal’s greatest Rose Bowl moments ever, between 8:16 and 8:17.

Hollywood Bowl, midnight--”Happy New Year!” to be yelled by all, with Stanford alumni bringing the wine and Wisconsin alumni bringing the Velveeta.

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Van Nuys, New Year’s Day, 8 a.m.--A float made mainly of roses and toilet paper should hit speeds topping 100 mph during a police freeway pursuit.

Glendale, 11:30--Two dozen Badger fans leaving their hotel for the game will discover that a travel agent has sold them bogus tickets, dated “Jan. 1, 3000.”

Rose Bowl, Pasadena, 1:33--Wisconsin’s Dayne scores three touchdowns in 3 minutes before being trampled by three of Stanford’s best players--trumpet, saxophone and tuba.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: [email protected]