Why Restrict the Tobacco Tax to Smokers?

While there is concern that teenage smoking is growing, the trend for the past few decades has been a steady attrition of smokers.

Anti-smokers and insurance companies hail this as a victory, although I see little to cheer about. Their victory means that we now have more people living longer into old age and suffering the various health problems that old people incur when a human body simply decides to shut down, one organ at a time. Fewer smokers also means fewer tax dollars, and not even a proposed additional $1.10 tax per pack is going to make up for that.

Rather than tax just the dwindling number of smokers, why not consider across-the-board taxes that embrace smokers, ex-smokers and nonsmokers alike?

Here are some examples of taxes that could be applied to practically every man, woman and child in the country, and, over a very short time, would increase state and federal coffers and allow us all to become a better society.

Smokers’ offenses/fines:

* Holding your cigarette over your shoulder so your table companion doesn’t receive the smoke but letting it blow into the faces of the people at the next table: 50 cents.

* Refusing to redirect the smoke when asked politely: $3 plus confiscation of all smoking materials.

* Spitting tobacco in a ballpark: $200.

* Spitting tobacco anywhere else in public: $20.

* Lighting up a cigar in public: $2.50.

* Refusing to put out cigar when asked politely: $10 plus confiscation.

* Smoking a cigar in a cigar bar and guzzling a rare single malt or Wild Turkey while talking loudly and being under age 50: $25.

Ex-smokers offenses/fines:

* Admitting to someone you’re an ex-smoker: 50 cents.

* Admitting proudly to someone you’re an ex-smoker: $1.

* Joining a Smokers Anonymous group: $10.

* Standing up at the group and introducing yourself thusly, “Hi, I’m Joe, and I’m a smoker”: $15.

* Pontificating at a social gathering about the hazards of smoking: $20.

Nonsmokers offenses/fines:

* Nagging a friend to stop smoking: $1.

* Nagging a spouse to stop smoking: 50 cents

* Nagging a spouse to stop smoking for the good of the spouse’s health: $5.

* Lecturing a stranger on stopping smoking: $10.

* Letting your kid lecture a stranger on stopping smoking: $25 for you and your kid and the kid’s teacher who probably put him/her up to it.

* Shaking your head, sighing or tsk-ing behind someone’s back when he excuses himself to step outside for a smoke at a social gathering: $25.

* Pontificating at a social gathering about the hazards of smoking: $100.

Corporate offenses:

* Penalizing an employee for being a smoker: $250,000.