For Every Action, There’s Reaction

This just in: Dennis Rodman is fined $50,000, for making snide remarks about the Mormon faith.

Observation: I thought we lived in a country where people are punished severely for breaking laws. As it turns out, we live in a country where people are punished severely for being stupid.

*

This just in: The Dodgers demote outfielder Todd Hollandsworth to the minor leagues and call up Karim Garcia, even though Hollandsworth was the Dodgers’ fifth consecutive National League rookie of the year.

Observation: It’s already June, so you have to hurry if you intend to have a sixth rookie of the year.

*

This just in: Marge Schott brings her dog over to Albert Belle, hoping to take a picture together. Belle sneers and walks away, saying, “To hell with her.”

Observation: I am pretty sure that Marge’s dog is a him.

*

This just in: John Daly leaves the golf course after nine holes, withdrawing from the U.S. Open in mid-round.

Observation: Maybe all Daly wanted to do was shoot in the 60s . . . and he already had.

*

This just in: Michael Jordan wins another NBA championship.

Observation: I bet the next day, he played more than nine holes.

*

This just in: Steve Kerr’s shot clinches the championship.

Observation: Be watching for Air Kerr later this summer, in “Space Jam II.”

*

This just in: A brawl broke out, involving the Colorado Silver Bullets’ women’s baseball team versus a men’s team.

Observation: Next thing you know, women will start scratching in public.

*

This just in: Terry Murray is fired, a few days after coaching the Philadelphia Flyers in the Stanley Cup finals.

Observation: I can’t wait for the Mighty Ducks to hire Murray now. Then they could win the Stanley Cup next season, then, you know, fire him.

*

This just in: Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys was named in a police complaint by someone who said the Cowboy receiver punched him and held him captive in a basement.

Observation: Oh, no. I’m not falling for any of those Michael Irvin Held Me Captive stories again.

*

This just in: Fernando Valenzuela is traded to St. Louis.

Observation: I once thought Fernando would pitch for Los Angeles his whole life. Now it appears he will pitch for every team in baseball before he’s through.

*

This just in: Darryl Strawberry will sit out the entire 1997 baseball season.

Observation: Wow, who could have predicted that one?

*

This just in: Angels vs. Dodgers, coming up this week at Dodger Stadium.

Observation: Just what we always wanted . . . Vin Scully broadcasting both of our teams.

*

This just in: Cal State Northridge drops several sports, including baseball.

Observation: Isn’t it sad that a town that sends a team to the Little League World Series has to tell those same boys to leave town when they grow up and go to college?

*

This just in: Karl Malone, most valuable player of the 1996-97 season.

Observation: Yeah, sure . . . and Bob Dole, MVP of 1996 election.

*

This just in: Silver Charm unable to win Triple Crown.

Observation: I guess our best chance now is Larry Walker.

*

This just in: New York Yankees to play New York Mets, for the first time.

Observation: Steinbrenner already preparing public apology, just in case.

*

This just in: O.J. Simpson speaks at UC Irvine.

Observation: As close as this school will ever come to Heisman Trophy.

*

This just in: Bill Clinton submits article to Times sports page, previewing U.S. Open golf.

Observation: Eats junk food, accidentally trips and falls . . . yes, he definitely could be a sportswriter.