Punch Lines

Military affairs: Defense Secretary William Cohen said that the leading candidate to be chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Air Force Gen. Joseph Ralston, had an affair in the ‘80s. While some in Congress called the general an embarrassment, President Clinton called him “highly qualified to be in my administration.” (Jerry Perisho)

* Another military scandal surfaced when the commander of the Aberdeen Proving Grounds resigned as a result of having an affair. “And many said President Clinton’s policies would never gain acceptance in military circles.” (Johnny Robish)

* Meanwhile, Congress voted to make Bob Hope an honorary veteran of the armed forces. That’s the good news. The bad news is that as soon as it’s official, Rosemary Clooney is going to sue him for sexual harassment. (Argus Hamilton)

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Prom Season and the First Family: The Clintons attended daughter Chelsea’s senior prom. Hillary didn’t wear a corsage, says Alan Ray. You can’t pin anything on her.

* The president was quite excited by the whole evening. He allowed Chelsea to stay out late and even showed her the secret back door entry to the White House so Hillary couldn’t catch her. (Brian J. Hill)

* Says Jay Leno: “Here’s a truly frightening story. The White House revealed that on the way to Paris, the president’s plane almost collided with a cargo jet. The pilot had to swerve so suddenly, Bill Clinton was thrown on top of Hillary for the first time in 20 years.”

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Our Daffy Congress: Lawmakers finally passed aid for victims of last month’s floods. But they added amendments that will get it vetoed. By the time the flood relief finally gets signed, says Hamilton, North Dakota will need the money for drought relief.

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From the Business World: Taco Bell’s chief is leaving for Blockbuster. Some had thought he was going to make a run for Borders. (Joe Kevany)

McDonald’s cancels the 55-cent price on Big Macs and other sandwiches, citing confusion by the public and franchisees. “After the Arch Deluxe debacle and now this, McDonald’s now has a tote board outside listing the number of marketing ploys the public didn’t buy so far this year.” (Bob Mills)

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Entertaining Entertainment: The marriage of Gladys Knight and motivational speaker Les Brown is breaking up. “Pretty ugly divorce settlement, too,” says Leno. “I understand he’s demanding custody of two Pips.”

Reader Rick Martin says he was recently in the tool department of Sears. A little girl was with her father, who said he wanted to buy a tool because it was good quality. Upon looking at the tool, the girl declared:

“This isn’t craftsman. . . . It’s forged.”