Creative finagling: Jon Erik Beckjord of Malibu...

Creative finagling: Jon Erik Beckjord of Malibu says he couldn’t resist giving $5 to a scruffy, longhaired panhandler who was stationed at the Canoga Avenue exit of the Ventura Freeway.

The man was holding a placard that said:

“The American Distress Card--Don’t Be Homeless Without It.”

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For your personal enemies list: Some people have phone lines that are reserved for close friends. Jean Parks of Manhattan Beach noticed an ad for a telephone that is apparently reserved for bitter enemies.

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Computer hooter: “This is not a misprint,” said the computerized misprint sent to a Sylmar residence. “Your name, Mr. Marcos Baxter, is definitely on the list which guarantees you will receive certified bank checks from United States Purchasing Exchange for over $2 million.”

The small print advises Baxter “to sign and return an eligibility affidavit.” Baxter, unfortunately, can’t write yet, being 7 months old.

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List of the day: The latest issue of Avenues, the Auto Club magazine, contains what would surely be the single most important city-by-city comparison for an Angeleno thinking of moving elsewhere in the region.

The subject: Numbers of officers dispensing parking tickets each day.

1. L.A.: 350

2. San Diego: 50

3. Long Beach: 30

4. Newport Beach: 14

5. Beverly Hills: 9

6. Riverside: 5

7. Laguna Beach: 5

8. San Bernardino: 4

9. Orange: 3

10. Bakersfield: 2

We always knew there was something we liked about Bakersfield.

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Cold property: Joan Hill of Marina del Rey found the most shocking evidence yet of the decline of real estate values in the South Bay. Parking control officers are also renowned for their dedication in the beach cities, by the way.

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A real downer: A columnist in the Pacific Grove Beacon described the area’s Monterey Bay Blues Festival as “a welcome diversion from the ghastly stories permeating our lives from Los Angeles.”

You know the news from L.A. has been somber when people can be cheered up by a blues festival.

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You mean Bubbles wasn’t invited to be Best Chimp?If it turns out that Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley did not marry--contrary to a report in a Dominican Republic newspaper--then we’re confident the couple will have the common courtesy to return the present we sent them. We don’t give just anyone a six-cup coffee maker.

miscelLAny:

Our sign-of-the-times item is a display of “All-Caliber Key Rings,” featuring various attractive bullets, in a Long Beach liquor store. The display carries this reminder for buyers: “Notice: Bullets Cannot Be Fired.”