Older Gays Join Forces to Fight Loneliness

Even as Ric Drapou was living his outwardly conventional life--married, five children, working 9 to 5 in an aircraft assembly plant--he was different. But not until he was in his late 30s was he able to acknowledge even to himself that he was homosexual.

That was in 1963, and Drapou, having never to his knowledge even met another gay man, was completely bewildered as to how to live his life. So for five years he led two lives.

“It was hell,” he said. “It was destroying my health. I developed ulcers--I was literally eating myself up from the inside. I’m Catholic so I naturally went to a priest. I told him I was gay before I was married so that my wife could get an annulment. He said I should get involved in youth groups. This made no sense to me.

“When I finally told my wife, she was in a state of disbelief. . . . I didn’t tell the children until they were teen-agers. They were very accepting until they got older. They haven’t seen or spoken to me in almost 15 years,” he said. Particularly painful is his memory of the time he had an appointment to meet with his youngest daughter--she didn’t show up, and he has not heard from her since.

Drapou found sanctuary in the Metropolitan Community Church in Culver City, the nation’s oldest and largest predominantly gay church.

“The church became my extended family while I coped with the fact that my family was gone. I felt the easiest way to get over anything as crushing as this was to be with people who need more than you need,” he said.

Once Drapou entered the gay world he became actively involved in gay rights and took part in every struggle until the early ‘70s, when he went back to school and earned a degree in psychology at Los Angeles City College. It was right around then that he met Jim Russell. Drapou, 68, says the relationship works because Russell acts older and he acts younger, which makes the 26-year difference in their ages easier. They have been together for almost 20 years.

Now, Drapou works part time managing his apartment building and with Project Rainbow, a gay group organized by the West Hollywood Senior Center.

“We meet and talk about opera, politics, movies,” Drapou said. “The problem is getting (other members) involved to do anything except talk. Most are not out of the closet. They don’t know what it’s like to come out and feel comfortable. They don’t know how to deal with losing their partners.”

One thing Drapou would like to change is the loneliness that surrounds many elderly gay people.

“Because of AIDS most of my older gay friends are celibate, which means they live isolated lives,” he said. “It’s very important for older gay people to create a family so when you die you’re not alone. Having support is the most important and the most neglected element in our lives.”

Being alone or ill or both is not strictly an older gay person’s problem, but from Drapou’s point of view, contact with the older straight community doesn’t work because of the barrier of non-acceptance. He has very little to do with the straight world. His latest project is promoting a series of movies dealing with being older and gay. Drapou hopes it will help people find each other and understand themselves more.

As for himself, he says, his biggest regret is that his lack of self-awareness as a younger man ended up causing pain to his family.

“My first life gave me a lot,” he said, “but it was unfair to my wife.” For more information about the movie festival or Project Rainbow, call the West Hollywood Senior Center: (213) 851-8202.