REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Toto, This Isn’t Kansas

D / QUARTERBACKS: John Friesz was treated like a guy out for a midnight stroll in Central Park. Bob Gagliano said he was rusty; Tin Man would have been more effective--before he met Dorothy.

B / RUNNING BACKS: Bert Cooper goes seven rounds with Evander Holyfield & Chargers backs average 6.6 yards. Big deal--both were left dazed by defeat. Is there a better third-down back than Ronnie Harmon?

F / RECEIVERS: Craig McEwen caught the plane home--it’s the first thing he caught all day. Oh, those highlights: Anthony Miller and Nate Lewis combine to catch two passes for 17 yards.

F / OFFENSIVE LINE: Too bad the offensive line didn’t get caught in a traffic jam deep in the Lincoln Tunnel. At least they would have had an excuse for not showing up.

F / DEFENSIVE LINE: Statue of Liberty has more mobility than Ken O’Brien, but Jets’ QB dances away from these lumbering lugs like he’s auditioning for the Bolshoi Ballet.

F / LINEBACKERS: Leslie O’Neal & Co. were told that if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere. Then they learned they were playing in New Jersey.

F / DEFENSIVE BACKS: They made a mistake. For fans’ viewing pleasure, instead of no-smoking ban in stadium, officials announced they will post guards to ban Donald Frank from the premises.

F / SPECIAL TEAMS: Good news: Mitchell Benson was spotted wearing gloves, which suggests he has hands. Chargers forget to pack white flags, so they opt for the fair catch.

F / COACHING: Diogenes went looking for one honest man and wins and losses were obviously not a consideration. The Big Greek who runs the Chargers, however, will have his own agenda.