Answer Man Gives Insight Into News

Dear Answer Man . . .

At a bass-fishing tournament in Texas, where first prize was $105,000, a man was arrested and charged with a felony . His “winning” fish weighed in at 7.64 pounds, but was found to have lead weights in its stomach. How did the authorities discover the trickery?

Tournament officials became suspicious when an onlooker mused that 7.64 pounds is “awful dadburn heavy for a 2-inch bass.”

The Orioles gained a measure of campy fame for their losing streak, and even picked up a little lighthearted commercial fame , such as the ad for Pepto-Bismol. Is it true that the Orioles stood to really cash in, endorsement-wise, had they managed to go 0-162 this season?

The Orioles had lucrative deals lined up to endorse bagels, doughnuts, Lifesavers, Cheerios, Spaghetti-O’s, auto tires, piston rings, onion rings, smoke rings, bathtub rings and vintage WW II Japanese fighter planes.

Help. In a moment of weakness I signed a letter of intent to play basketball for Indiana University. Five years of the tyranny and bullying of Bobby Knight! Should I try to get out of my commitment, or is it hopeless?

This is too easy. But here’s my advice: It’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it.

Dave Cadigan, the former USC lineman, admitted having used steroids and said: “I will do anything to become the best lineman in the NFL. I’d tell the NFL the same thing. If they don’t like it, screw them.” Obviously an NFL lineman needs bulk. As a medical expert, Answer Man, what do you think Cadigan should do to bulk up?

Swallow lead fishing weights.

Has any good come of the heavy-handed balk-rule enforcement?

Some fine music. K-Tell has issued a new mail-order record album featuring such classics as “Just A’Balkin’ in the Rain,” “You Balk Too Much,” “Balk to Me,” “Balkin’ to New Orleans,” “These Spikes Are Made for Balkin’,” “You’ve Been Balking in Your Sleep” and “You’ll Never Balk Alone.” Order now and get a bonus 45-r.p.m. record of The Supremes singing, “Stop! In the Name of Rule 8.01b.”

The Russians have taken up baseball and are spending a lot of time studying our big league games. I understand the Soviet players train in special camps, each camp specializing in one position. Where is the pitchers’ camp?

Pitchers are sent south, to a camp in the Balkans.

After our country’s poor showing in the Winter Olympics, the USOC assigned George Steinbrenner to investigate the situation and report on what the heck is wrong with our Olympic effort. When can we expect the Steinbrenner report?

Steinbrenner wanted to get a feel for the various sports, so he hopped on a sled and took a luge run on the Calgary course. At hairpin Turn 7, big George got stuck between the banks, wedged tight as a swollen foot in a pair of cheap shoes. George, and his report, are due to be released at the next thaw.

Incidentally, rescue workers who phoned Billy Martin to inform him of the tragedy were put on hold.

What do you think of the reports of score-fixing in international gymnastics meets?

It’s heartwarming and encouraging that American and Romanian officials would get together and rig the scores of a meet. This moment should be commemorated on a postage stamp. When was the last time East and West, communist and capitalist, reached out to one another in such a spirit of cooperation?

This, my friend, is what international sport is all about.

The Pittsburgh Pirates allege that cocaine addiction caused Dave Parker’s decline, but Parker’s lawyer says of the allegations, “This is all a bunch of malarkey.” Your opinion, please?

Let’s just hope malarkey was not involved. Malarkey abuse has become one of the most prevalent and insidious problems in the sports world. The stuff is readily available on the street, and don’t believe what you hear about innocent recreational use. It’s dangerous goods, pal, and it’s everywhere. Just listen to any baseball postgame interview.

It’s not just the players, either. Sports broadcasters are flagrant abusers. And malarkey use is prevalent among managers, coaches and front-office staffers. One incident resulted in the dismissal of a general manager. And have you heard owner Marge Schott of the Cincinnati Reds discourse on baseball, her dog, or ballplayer facial hair? Scary.

Malarkey abuse has even been spotted in sports columns. And my horoscope tells me to expect a heavy concentration of this uncontrolled substance in very high government circles this week.

Fortunately, a malarkey counterattack has been launched, led by Jimmy (The Greek) Snyder and his national campaign: “Just shut up.”